Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

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Still, within the context of even the best-intentioned relationship, it’s hard to know how far to retain control without seeming too controlling. We also need to encourage our kids to develop relationships with other children who have strong attachments to their own parents.

I would have a hard time recommending this to anyone interested in attachment parenting who might not have an easy going child who naturally likes to please, as it sets them up for lots of doubt and wondering what they are doing wrong. Hold On to Your Kids was selected by a parent at my child's school as the focus of a parent book club. They seek the unconditional love that other immature children cannot give them, and when they don't get it the results are anger, suicide, self-mutilation, alcohol and drug consumption, and just about every other ill that is plaguing the youth of today.They’re saying that if we work hard at keeping that attachment going, we should have a fairly smooth parenting experience, even with our teens. I don't disagree that kids become attached to peers but I believe the problem to be that parents hurt the relationship so kids look for attachment elsewhere. Looking back on his life “from above”, he says, he can see that his own goal “was to be a successful and busy and high-accomplishing physician. It is very eye opening to the cultural shift that has happened over the last 70 years: peers have become the main attachment figures for many children and teens rather than parents and other adults which has lead, among many things, to children not really knowing who they are, having the inability to be vulnerable or to take risks or to stand out in a crowd, and leaving them with very few tools for meaningful connection with others. If you are concerned about losing your children to either their peers or modern technology this book is a must read.

They describe the importance a five-minute time in the beginning of the day to make eye contact, engage in conversation, uninterrupted. Absolutely missing in peer relationships are unconditional love and acceptance, the desire to nurture, the ability to extend oneself for the sake of the other, the willingness to sacrifice for the growth and development of the other” (p 11).I also think of how much the church is inspired in this way - from it's strong emphasis on families and family time, to always ensuring that there were caring adults who played a big part in your life (leaders and Sunday school teachers and such) and helped your own parents get to know people you were associating with better, along with their families. The last chapter on the digital age is probably the most practical, relevant, true, and hopeful information that I have come across. I already know that its one of the most influential parenting books I've ever read and has been the guiding force for many of our family decisions. He started arguing that the opposite happened, but then realized, that the daughter was right, he was the one not paying enugh attention to her needs. They also frequently implied that if your child is not behaving that your attachment connection is not strong enough, without disregard for individual personality or developmental stages.

And he continues building his arguments on fictive stories like the Lord Of The Flies, murderous sociopath exceptions, and the behaviour of elephants.Children need to attach to parents, grandparents, and other adults who can help them develop a true sense of self. Peer-oriented kids are expected to conform, to hide their differences, to not seem too interested in anything that is not "cool," to spend all of their time trying to connect and manage unwieldy relationships with their friends, to stay on top of who is doing what with whom, all the while burying their vulnerable feelings, their curiosities, their unique ideas.

It crosses parents and kids of all schooling situations, family situations, or socio-economic status. To nurture our children, we must reclaim them and take charge of providing for their attachment needs” (p 13). By completing your purchase, you agree to Audible's Conditions of Use and authorise Audible to charge your designated card or any other card on file. But as the author says, anyone reading the book probably grew up that way and so we don't even realize it's a problem.Just as he did in the beginning of the book saying that culture turns the children away, and later using himself as an example, writing about how his daughter asked him after they spent a holiday together: Father, why did you leave me? The title to be read and discussed is sign-posted and on sale for the whole of the previous month (with a discount for those who make it known they intend to come) and everybody is welcome, whether first-timer, part-timer or regular-timer. No matter what problem or issue we face in parenting, our relationship with our children should be the highest priority.